Domestic violence is a persistent issue that affects individuals across all demographics, regardless of age, gender, or socioeconomic status. It is estimated that one in four women and one in nine men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This statistic implies that nearly everyone knows someone who has been affected by abuse, whether directly or indirectly, or maybe even you. The prevalence of domestic violence highlights the urgent need for awareness and support systems for victims that start before, during and after these events may take place.
Abuse isn’t always like you see in the movies. If you read victim’s stories, they often begin subtly, with small acts of control or manipulation that may not initially be recognized as harmful, especially if they take place after “love bombing.” Webmd.com describes it here, “love bombing is an emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments, attention, or affection to eventually control them. You may not be able to spot love bombing until you’re in the midst of it because it may feel like being swept off your feet at the start of a new relationship.” These subtle acts of abuse can include emotional abuse, such as belittling comments, controlling acts over one’s personal items like phones or emails or isolation from friends and family. Over time, these behaviors can escalate into more severe forms of abuse, including physical violence. The gradual nature of this escalation can make it difficult for victims to recognize their situation as abusive until it reaches a critical point. We need to be careful to think that domestic abuse or any abuse must only be physical.
- Douglas Bremner, MD, shared his research with the National Institute on Health, entitled, “Traumatic Stress: Effects on the Brain,” where his research indicates that trauma from abuse can lead to significant changes in brain structure and function. The prolonged exposure to stress hormones associated with abusive environments can affect areas of the brain responsible for memory, emotion regulation, and decision-making. For instance, studies have shown that survivors of domestic violence may experience alterations in their hippocampus and amygdala—regions involved in processing fear and emotional responses. This neurological impact can create a psychological barrier that makes it harder for victims to leave abusive relationships due to feelings of fear, confusion, or dependency on their abuser. This can create what some call a “trauma bond,” which is an unhealthy emotional attachment that develops between an abused person and their abuser. Sometimes this can be seen in domestic abuse, with kidnappers, and in many other survival situations, where a cycle of abuse is followed by some sort of positive reinforcement, (even if the positive reinforcement is just the calm after the storm), where the abuser alternates between affection and abuse. This can make it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship.
Showing empathy towards victims of domestic violence is crucial in helping them navigate their experiences. Someone who hasn’t had the choice about their environment, and endured domestic violence needs extra care to know they are safe. The best safety you can give them is to say, “I believe you.” This type of empathy involves understanding the victim’s feelings without judgment and offering support without pressure, which may be very new to them. Listening actively and validating their emotions can help victims feel seen and understood. Resist any urge to offer advice or make things better. Many victims may feel shame or guilt about their situation and just being calm and kind to listen with care and openness is a gentle step forward for them.
Even if we are unaware of someone’s specific struggles with abuse, there are ways we can show support. We should never assume someone is or isn’t in an abusive situation. We also don’t know what we don’t know. Creating an environment where individuals feel safe discussing their experiences is vital. This includes being non-judgmental when they choose to share their stories and providing resources such as hotlines or counseling services when appropriate. After an individual leaves an abusive relationship, ongoing support becomes even more critical. Survivors often face challenges such as rebuilding self-esteem, managing trauma symptoms, and navigating legal systems related to custody or restraining orders. Community resources like shelters or advocacy groups play a significant role in providing necessary assistance during this transition period. They may not feel like they can even share until many years after the events have passed.
One thing we can all remember, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, is the importance to recognize the effects of domestic violence. Unlike the bruises or wounds that may have occurred, the emotions and pain for the victims don’t magically disappear once the abuser does. Survivors may carry emotional scars long after the physical abuse has ended. Issues such as anxiety disorders, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and difficulties in forming healthy relationships are common among those who have experienced domestic violence.
In Vermont specifically, organizations like Umbrella provide crucial resources for those affected by domestic violence and preventing domestic abuse. They offer many resources on their website, in the community, and schools for prevention, social change, consent, healthy relationships and more. This resource is priceless for our community. They offer advocates for both our victims and even the abusers who are looking to make change. More information can be found here: https://www.umbrellanek.org If you are being abused, aren’t sure or dealing with the emotions of past abuse, all abuse matters, you matter. You can also call the national hotline and anonymously get some support to help you walk this journey with someone who will support you and offer you the care you deserve: 1-800-799-7233.
Understanding domestic violence requires acknowledging its complexity—from its subtle beginnings to its profound psychological impacts on survivors to even the friends and families supporting them and their abusers. By fostering empathy and creating supportive environments for victims both during and after their experiences with abuse, we can contribute significantly toward healing processes for those affected by domestic violence and long after the echoes of abuse.